Tag Archives: Couples Counseling

Giving and Getting What You Need in Love

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If you’ve been together with someone for any length of time, you probably know that each of you has preferences regarding how you like to relate to each other. A bestselling book that’s been around for years called The 5 Love Languages goes into great detail about these “patterns of expressing and interpreting love.”
The five categories that author Gary Chapman has “boiled” this concept down to are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Now if you look at the categories, you might notice that they break down into giving and receiving physical affection or ‘things’ and giving and receiving emotions (or intangible things). That about covers everything anyone would want or need in a relationship.
Regardless of the names of the styles of how you and your partner give and receive affection, the important thing is that because of a variety of factors (families of origin, cultural influences, past relationships, etc.), we all have preferred ways of being shown and showing love to our partner, and those ways can fluctuate and change.
I’d like to submit that more important than broad labels for behaviors, is the knowledge on a small, day-to-day basis of what our partner needs, and our willingness to both give it, and perhaps more importantly, to ASK for it.
I believe that we all speak many “love languages.” Our preferences change from day to day, and moment to moment, and they’re not mutually exclusive so that they fit into only one category. (“What do you mean you want an Act of Service today? You said you were a Quality Time person!”) More important than labeling our desires is the ability to share the specific needs with our partner, and for our partner to be willing to give them to us (even if it requires Compromise!).
The bottom line is, if you like having your feet rubbed after a long day of work sometimes, ASK your partner for a foot rub! If you like to hear little nothings whispered in your ear from time to time, let your partner know! (You can call them “physical touch” and “acts of service” if you like.) What’s important is that you have open, honest communication with your partner about WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you want it, and that your partner is open to giving it to you.
If you do this, you won’t need to know what the names are of the kinds of tangible and intangible things each of you prefers, and whether you’re both speaking each other’s “language”; you’ll both be speaking English and asking for and receiving what you need.
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Did you find this information useful? Use the Comments section and let me know! And if you think couples counseling or family therapy could help you reach your goals, please don’t hesitate to contact me at mark@laurakohngroup.com or 954-617-3100.

Do You Have a Couple Bubble?

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Mark Jacobson, Reg. MFT Int.By Mark Jacobson Reg. MFT Int.

What’s a Couple Bubble? Well, it’s a phrase I just submitted to Urban Dictionary. And I’m telling them it’s an imaginary boundary that you create around your relationship, to strengthen it by keeping away outside intrusions—by people, responsibilities, work, bills, and so on—at least from time to time.

With all the intrusions of modern day life, it’s no wonder that couples have no time for themselves. Work, children, in-laws, church/synagogue, volunteering, cooking, cleaning, shopping, hobbies—the list goes on and on. It’s especially important for couples to create and maintain their Couple Bubble, and (like Jack Burns’ “Circle of Trust”) keep everyone and everything outside it, at least every once in a while.

Many of us have heard the word ‘boundary’ before (“She has no boundaries.” “You need to set a boundary.”); the idea has been around for a long time (one of the founders of family therapy, Salvador Minuchin, created an entire model of therapy with boundaries as one of its basic premises, back in the early 1970s). By creating a Couple Bubble, and residing safely inside it from time to time, you’re drawing a boundary around your relationship and making sure that despite all your responsibilities and other commitments, you’re taking care of your relationship and your commitment to each other.

While creating and maintaining your Couple Bubble is important all the time, it’s especially critical at certain life transition points, such as when couples get married, and when they have children. When you’re first married, negotiating how and when your in-laws visit could be one way of maintaining your Couple Bubble. And planning ‘date nights’ with your partner so that you can go out without your baby is another (Your baby is always inside your Family Bubble, but he or she should never be inside your Couple Bubble—get the idea?).

The bottom line is, if you want to have a solid relationship where both you and your partner really feel like you’re on the same team, creating and maintaining your Couple Bubble, and reserving special time alone inside it on a regular basis, is one way to make it happen.

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I hope you’ve found this information useful. If you think marital and family therapy could help you reach your goals, please don’t hesitate to contact me at mark@laurakohngroup.com or 954-617-3100.
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